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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25946314">don't dream it, be it</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/galaxymuncher/pseuds/galaxymuncher'>galaxymuncher</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Secret History - Donna Tartt</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>(kinda), Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Hallucinations, Implied Fasting, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Minor Character Death, Multi, POV Richard Papen, Polyamory, also richard gets cockblocked by dionysus, au where richard joins in on the bacchanal</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 07:01:59</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,083</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25946314</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/galaxymuncher/pseuds/galaxymuncher</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>[take care when reading]<br/>swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Camilla Macaulay/Richard Papen, Charles Macaulay/Richard Papen, Everyone/Richard Papen (minus Bunny), Francis Abernathy/Richard Papen, Richard Papen/Francis Abernathy/Henry Winter, Richard Papen/Henry Winter</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>28</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>don't dream it, be it</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Most nights were rather warm that particular fall, closer to summer than to winter. All the windows would be open to allow a soft draft in, preventing the air from getting too stuffy by the time everyone went to bed. </p><p> </p><p>This particular night, I remember laying amongst my sheets, unable to will myself into the familiar lull of sleep. My eyes wandered to the walls, all around, gazing at the intricate strips of wallpaper hung, where dents would eventually fall apart when nobody was left to care for the residence. I pondered how long it would take mold to infest the crevasses, rendering the entire structure obsolete. A tree outside tapped against the edge of the windowsill, shifting my attention there instead. There was a sliver of the moon peeking out beyond the cloudy night sky, allowing the room to be lit in a glow that felt familiar. I recall now how cold it became as I tried to wrap my entire body underneath my covers, preventing any warmth to escape. Eventually I shifted out, shuffling to close the window to a crack, still wanting to ventilate the room.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Snap! </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Somewhere down amongst the heavily wooded area behind the house a twig had loudly broken under something’s weight...something, or some<em> one </em>. Shaking my head, I thought about the many times I went hiking with Bunny down those trails, how intricately woven they would end up becoming, many times ending up deep into unfamiliar grounds, shaking our heads with pure confusion. The wildlife probably silently laughing at our idiocy.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Old man, I could’ve SWORN we’d just gone down the little hill here, didn’t we? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> ‘It’s just an animal, get a grip’ </em>
</p><p> </p><p>While there were many different species living around this deep into the Vermont countryside, something in me wasn’t convinced. Bears? Probably, but then again, Francis had reassured us that none came this close to the house.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Snap! Snap! </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Deer? Maybe a herd?</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> ….Snap! </em>
</p><p> </p><p>This had to be more than a coincidence, it just had to be. Quickly I made my way out of the room, shutting the door quietly behind me just in case my hypothesis turned out to be wrong and everyone was indeed asleep. Just out of curiosity, I turned around, toward where I knew Francis’ room was. I needed a confirmation, a catch. </p><p> </p><p>Hook, line, and sinker.</p><p> </p><p>There was a small crack, allowing for a sightline straight into his room. His sheets were unmade, thrown over in a hurry, curtains billowing in the breeze drawn in from the wide open window. The lamp was flickering, still lit, casting a light onto the paperback he seemed to be reading at the time. Yet, nothing to indicate he was in there.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> ‘What’s the meaning of this?’ </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Reasonably, I came to the conclusion that he may just be in the bathroom, or downstairs grabbing a glass of water (or some alcohol of his choice) to bring back up. I backed away, leaving the scene as I found it, pivoting toward the bathroom. The door was left wide open, as it normally was when nobody was using it. My eyebrow raised with confusion. I tiptoed down the stairs, peeking around to the kitchen, once again greeted with nothing but darkness, dripping tap, and the pile of dishes from dinner the previous night.</p><p> </p><p>Now I knew something had to be up. If he wasn’t in the home, where could he have gone? To town? The stores were shut tight until the crack of dawn. Apartment? He’d never leave us here without him supervising. A walk? It was dark, the flashlight was probably still in the bedside table drawer where they all kept one, why wander out unless you wanted to get lost?</p><p> </p><p>A headache was coming on. I needed to find him.</p><p> </p><p>Looking around, the foyer was dark with dim light coming from the front door’s window, moonlight gliding against my skin. It reassured me, allowed me to process again.</p><p> </p><p>Deep breaths.</p><p> </p><p>I pushed through, allowing the wind to blow through and cover me in its embrace. Abruptly I felt the temperature dropping, fall fading into cruel winter's embrace, there would be snow soon, this was the warning. My eyes scanned, adjusting to the strange world I didn’t recognize right away. Something, however, caught my attention. In the distance, just past the footpath me and Bunny took every so often, a soft light was floating, going deeper into the woods.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> ‘Where are they going?’ </em>
</p><p> </p><p>They. I hadn’t even considered the others slipping out as well, not till just this moment. But why without me? Or Bunny for that matter, reminded that he was back on campus without us. I followed without hesitation.</p><p>While trailing, I thought of her, Ariadne, her golden string, how it had helped guide Theseus through the labyrinth, allowing him to wind his way carefully past the traps intended to kill him as many had in order to slay the monster Minos had hid away. He was a hero, and yet, why wasn’t his other half given the credit? Without her, he’d be forgotten. The light, my Ariadne, myself, a stubborn Theseus, set for unspoiled riches hidden behind secrets and evergreens.</p><p> </p><p>Hushed whispers drifted down the breeze, muffled, I couldn’t understand what they were talking about, yet the tones were familiar. I was on the right track, my hunch was correct. Crouching down, my footsteps quietly shifted against the dirt, remaining invisible as I came upon them.</p><p> </p><p>There they stood, all of them, the twins, followed by Francis, and Henry already there, seemingly bored as he thumbed through some book absentmindedly. Soon his attention drifted toward the group, book snapped shut with immediate interest.</p><p> </p><p>“About time you got here, what took so long?”</p><p> </p><p>“Sorry, we had to wait long enough to be sure that Richard was really asleep before making the trek out”</p><p> </p><p>“The bastard wanted another drink before passing out, so we had to pour him some”</p><p> </p><p>“Did you drink anything?”</p><p> </p><p>“No”</p><p> </p><p>“Anything to eat?”</p><p> </p><p>Camilla shook her head, the side of her face turned toward me briefly. In the dim light of the lantern that Charles held, I saw her cheeks were hollow, how did I not notice before?</p><p> </p><p>“No, we kept making up excuses until he finally gave up”</p><p> </p><p>Henry nodded, standing to his full height, catching myself staring at what he was wearing. A white sheet, a shoulder exposed on the right, the left covered, held together tightly with a piece of string wrapped around his torso. My face burned at the sight, noticing the others were wearing them as well: chitons, only it seemed these ones were made from the sheets that came from the house.</p><p> </p><p>“Were you followed?”</p><p> </p><p>“No, he’s sound asleep, we should be clear until morning”</p><p> </p><p>“Perfect, shall we begin?”</p><p> </p><p>“Lets, before I freeze my balls off”</p><p> </p><p>They gathered close, hunched forward, eyes closed momentarily. Deep within me, as I slowed my breathing, I couldn’t help but start to feel something, bundled up tight but steadily unwinding with every move they made.</p><p> </p><p>Henry reached over, touching Camilla’s cheek with his fingertips, caressing her, lips parted slightly as her eyes began to close. Briefly as he turned I saw the scar he so expertly hid, feeling as though a weakness had been exposed, guard dropped. Once again his fingertips ran down, this time on Charles’ cheek. Same as his sister, eyes closing, mouth shut tight. Francis watched, back turned to me, unable to read his expression, though his shoulders seemed to be shrugged, sitting with patience for a turn that never came. A tone erupted, low, guttural, almost inhuman, <em> hymns </em>. There was a bottle passed around, each took several sips as they continued, huddled close, a mess of blobs. As I shifted closer, a twig that I hadn’t seen suddenly snapped beneath my weight. All at once they froze, Henry standing along with Francis and Charles, investigating what could’ve possibly made that noise. I held my breath, fearful that they would find me.</p><p> </p><p>“Hello?”</p><p> </p><p>The light cascaded every which way, scanning about until eventually landing where I sat, closer to the group that I had thought initially. Francis stared down at me, white as his sheet, eyes wide with fear and embarrassment.</p><p> </p><p>“Richard? How did you find us?”</p><p> </p><p>Henry stepped up alongside him, studying me with his ever expressionless face.</p><p> </p><p>“I...I couldn’t sleep, I heard twigs snapping---”</p><p> </p><p>“Dammit! I told you to be quieter!”</p><p> </p><p>Charles smacked the side of Francis’ head, his hair exploding like the crackle of a fresh fire. I continued my haphazard explanation.</p><p> </p><p>“I thought it was a herd of deer or something, but the sounds were too spaced out, so I investigated the rooms...well, just one, it was empty. I checked everywhere else and there was nobody, so I left to see if you all had taken a walk in the dead of night”</p><p> </p><p>Henry raised an eyebrow.</p><p> </p><p>“How did you find us?”</p><p> </p><p>“I followed a light…”</p><p> </p><p>“My light”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes”</p><p> </p><p>Francis turned to Henry, uncertain of what to do as he stepped back, allowing Henry to move into the space, crouching down to my level. Slowly the red crept back into my features as I turned my head away, not wanting to feel his judgement boring into my soul. One of his fingers pressed against my cheek, turning my gaze back to his.</p><p> </p><p>“Well Richard, you’ve found us, now what will you do?”</p><p> </p><p>Slowly I looked over toward Camilla, abandoned amongst the fuss. She nervously fidgeted with the edge of her sheet, looking down at the lantern in the middle of what would’ve been a make-shift fire pit, not wishing to pay us any mind. She looked so beautiful, her hair shimmering with the moon, like she was made from stardust, temporary, like she could drift away. I turned back to Henry, still waiting for my answer, eyebrows raised.</p><p> </p><p>“Well?”</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll stay”</p><p> </p><p>“Wonderful”</p><p> </p><p>He turned to Charles, raising himself back up, I rose up with him.</p><p> </p><p>“Do you know if we have any extra sheets for his chiton?”</p><p> </p><p>“No, we’ve just got the ones on our backs, the rest are still in the attic”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh how unfortunate, but I guess that won’t matter much anyways”</p><p> </p><p>With a flick of his head, the two followed behind, Francis urging me to go in front of him. We arrived back at the opening and from what I could tell there wasn’t all that much to it: the circle where they sat was premade from years of hikers making camp, flattening the earth to the point where there was only some loose dirt with bits of pebbles buried beneath. Surrounding us were rather tall blades of grass, some poking the back of my neck as I settled into my place right beside Francis. No trees covered the sky so the stars were able to shine brilliantly, better than where I had hidden. Just as I began to look for constellations, a warmth came to my face once more, startling me. </p><p> </p><p>Just Henry, laughing as he now held my face.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re alright, it’s just me. Now listen---” </p><p> </p><p>He leaned closer, making sure I was indeed listening.</p><p> </p><p>“---Since you’ve just now joined us, I need you to follow along with us, no backing out now that you’re here. Give into the sensation any way you can, become whatever it is you need to in order to believe in this ritual, release your human worries and let insanity take hold of your thoughts, that’s the key to summoning Bacchus, understand?”</p><p> </p><p>All I could do was nod, a little bit afraid of what may happen next.</p><p> </p><p>With a smile, he closed my eyes, humming a greek hymn as I tried to let go as he had explained. Visions of everything I’d done the past several weeks glided by, showing me my everyday life like a slideshow. It wasn’t enough. I needed to get away, the memories weren’t going to get me to where <em> they </em> were, deeper down down down into my consciousness. Everything was dizzying, the curves, the turns, down into the looking glass to find where there was light. I grabbed it, feeling such a lightness crushed between my firm fingers.</p><p> </p><p>“Open your eyes”</p><p> </p><p>I did. He was sat in front of me, still cradling my face as if no time had passed. I could’ve melted away under his very touch. Out of the corner of my eye, sat by her brother and Francis was Camilla, swaying to a rhythm we couldn’t hear, leaned up against both for support. Charles running a hand through her delicate hair, Francis doing the same, all of them in a daze like me. Swaying back and forth the light I had held soon <em> cracked! </em>into many different pieces, scattered to never be found again. His finger ran under my chin, up my jawline, coercing a shudder from me.</p><p> </p><p>“Do you feel it? The embrace of Bacchus? He’s here, amongst us”</p><p> </p><p>Vines sprouted around us, tangling everything in sight, growing ever higher. A fear suddenly gripped onto me, sending me into a spiral. My eyes widened, breathing increased, how could they notice but not react? It was crushing them all, and yet they swayed along like they weren’t going to become engulfed into the vicious cycle of decay. I wanted out, to get back home to where I belonged, not in this strange warped world where everything wanted to swallow us whole. Henry noticed my panic, pulling me close, pressing a kiss to my lips, bringing me back down to a comfortable level before parting. Before he crept away, his hands ran through my hair, echoing what he had said before.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Give into sensation... </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Francis came over next, his smile just as genuine. I wrapped my arms around his torso, pulling him into the kiss this time, catching the faintest sight of Henry kissing both the twins as he had me, jealousy catching me before fading back into the haze, my eyes closing. </p><p> </p><p>I sank deeper into the sensations, finding myself letting go bit by agonizing bit until all I was left with was the shell my soul took refuge in. I watch myself on the ground, mouth open, letting out a deep noise from somewhere in my chest, inhuman, <em> animalistic </em>.</p><p> </p><p>I was no longer in control, it had taken my body as a home now.</p><p> </p><p>He crept over me, moving my hair out my eyes, pressing his lips to my neck recklessly, laughing with every move downward. We moved like worms, slithering to one another, pressed close, sweaty with anticipation, blended together like a twisted symphony.</p><p> </p><p>My body sat up, Charles pressed against my chest, sipping from the bottle as if it were nectar, giggling. I took it from him, guzzling greedily. When I placed the bottle down, that’s when I saw the wild eyes, glowing bright from deep in the shadows, tall, powerful, ready to rip us all apart with pleasure.</p><p> </p><p>Before I could fully make out any other features (were those horns?), Charles knocked me over, pressing me as hard as he could against the cool earth, turning to look beside him. She crawled to replace him, the only one who hadn’t yet smothered me.</p><p> </p><p>“<em> Richard </em>”</p><p> </p><p>Her breath was warm, I tasted sour grapes and cigarettes on her tongue as it explored my mouth. Instinctively my hands held onto her, afraid to let her slip away from me. When she pulled away, I felt an emptiness fill my chest, my lifeline, <em> the string </em>. I reached out for her hand, only to have it swat away.</p><p> </p><p>“That’s not how it goes, you know the rules”</p><p> </p><p>Did I truly? Yes, deep down I knew. She hoisted herself off, allowing me to sit up and survey the scene, watching the bodies convulse around me, I suddenly felt a chill. Camilla made her way toward the others, leaving me alone, breathing heavily, face flushed, clothes rumpled, hair disheveled, body pulsing with heat. I felt their gazes all on me, 8 pairs of eyes that were hungry with the same intention as I.</p><p> </p><p>“Come here Richard, we won’t let you hang on the edges of pure euphoria”</p><p> </p><p>Francis cooed, crawling halfway to meet me, his eyes intense, burning with a desire I hadn’t seen in him before, not even in the most exhilarating of conversations in class. He leaned in, pressing a kiss onto my lips, causing me to fall once more, letting him sit on top of my hips, gliding down to my throat, hands running across all the surfaces of my body. I heard a voice whisper to me:</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Are you willing to let your desires determine your destiny? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Yes. Absolutely.</p><p> </p><p>A surge of electricity coursed through my veins, causing Francis to be abruptly pushed off, putting him where I was as I bit his lower lip, hearing his moans beneath me. Everything around us stopped in time, it was just us entwined together, much like the vines now gathering along my legs. His hand grabbed my hair, yanking me back as I groaned.</p><p> </p><p>“Slow down, or you’ll tear me to shreds”</p><p> </p><p>“Isn’t that the idea?”</p><p> </p><p>A small smirk gradually grew on my face as he swallowed, face flush and shaking, adjusting to this entirely new me. I drew near again, pressing as close as I could, slowly removing my shirt while he watched with wary eyes. Somebody gripped my shoulder, yanking me away once more. Irritated, my gaze now rested yet again on Henry, staring back at me with glasses long gone. He forced me to stand by grabbing hold of my belt loop, looking me up and down.</p><p> </p><p>Part of me wanted to blow him off, he’d gained enough of my attention already, why try for more when Camilla or Charles were willing to wait on him hand and foot, plus, I already wanted to deal with Francis, seeing as nobody but me paid him any special attention. On the other hand, I knew he knew that I was the only one that could even match him at this point, all others below, we two above them, hands outstretched like gods. Young and power hungry. He pulled me into him, closing the aching gap with a bite, releasing a moan from me. His fingers traced the ridges of my spine as if to count them, breath warm against my ear. Suddenly I became aware of my pants slowly being lowered from behind, most certainly by Francis, with his other hands wandering about my chest. Cornered, but refusing to flee, my arm reached out behind me to grip onto him, urging him on if he so wished, my other arm wrapped carefully around Henry’s neck, bringing him closer than I ever thought possible.</p><p> </p><p>It was then that the scream burst through, pulling us out of our euphoria cloud and into the buzz of the now. Francis rushed over to Charles once I let him go, knelt down to try and tend to the new mark now fresh upon his pale flesh. Deep marks, almost as if a wolf had sunk its teeth into him before retreating back to the safety of its pack. There was a flash of white as we turned to see Camilla...or was it her? Dashing off as fast as she possibly could. As much as we wanted to return to our endeavors, we had to chase her back to the circle, so we did. </p><p>Landscapes blurred under our light feet, faster and faster we ran, outstretched hands trying to grasp the edge of her tail, yet she outsmarted us, trotting off to the left as a diversion, but we were smarter. A cackle rose from my chest as I treaded faster, no longer running, feet high in the air. Soon enough everything around me slowed to a full stop, pain unexpectedly rushing up to knock me down to my knees. Francis gathered me in his arms, pulling me up with all his strength.</p><p> </p><p>“Jesus Christ Richard...”</p><p> </p><p>Blood rushed down my nose to meet my chin, distracting me from the rest of my aches. He ripped the edge of his sheet off to clog my nose up, making sure my head stayed tilted down to prevent anything going up to my brain. Our legs were cut to hell, some blood staining the fallen leaves an even deeper crimson. Reality soon crashed back in, pulling me out of the haze as I now fully understood the circumstances we found ourselves in. Charles remained off to the side, sat beside his quiet sister, protective as always. They remained silent, close, unbreaking in their stare at something just across the way. I turned to where they were looking, eyes widening, stomach dropping.</p><p> </p><p>Francis let go, backing away, shaking just as hard as I was. There, standing over a fallen man, was Henry, and I could see he was shaking too, a closed fist splattered with brain matter and blood. I made my way over unconsciously, watching the features of the man get closer and closer with each press forward. I’d seen death before, many family members had died in the time I’d been alive, all laid in coffins 6 feet below, resting in their eternal slumber, and even then it had never so much as fased me. Almost becoming a medical student hardened me to the internal workings of insects and living mammals, seeing how they worked would’ve made anyone squirm, not me. Seeing this man ripped into several pieces invoked a response in me I hadn’t known before, causing me to vomit my guts up, away from the body as to not contaminate it.</p><p> </p><p>“What...did you do?”</p><p> </p><p>Silence.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know”</p><p> </p><p>“Where did he even come from?”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know”</p><p> </p><p>I clasped his shoulder, he shrugged me away.</p><p> </p><p>“Henry?”</p><p> </p><p>“GIve me a minute, I need to think about this”</p><p> </p><p>Nodding I crawled back to Francis, holding myself close as I waited to hear what Henry would come up with. I should’ve never come out here, why was I so stupid to think that this was the smart choice? My head touched the top of my cut up knees, spreading blood across my forehead, I didn’t care anymore.</p><p> </p><p>We were out in the middle of god knows where,</p><p> </p><p>Covered in cuts, mounds of blood pouring all about, </p><p> </p><p>With a murder on our hands.</p><p> </p><p>How could this be justified?</p><p> </p><p>Just as Francis was about to say something, Henry interrupted, dusting off his chiton as if he’d slipped into the dirt and not just killed a man.</p><p> </p><p>“We’ve got to get a bearing on where we are, once we find our way out of here, then we can deal with this in the morning”</p><p> </p><p>“Are you sure we’ll be clear to leave here? What if we’re seen?”</p><p> </p><p>He shook his head, pressing a hand to his temple.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s the middle of the night, mostly drunkards are out here, everyone else is sleeping, we should be fine, nobody’s going to believe a man piss ass drunk anyways”</p><p> </p><p>We all got to our feet, struggling our way to clarity, checking around for anyone that may foil our plan. Anxiety spiked in us all, wandering through the empty streets of the small town, looking like all hell had broken loose, and yet as Henry had predicted, we had made our way back to the circle to gather our things then back to the country house without trouble. I leaned on Francis the entire time for support, unable to find any use in my wobbling legs.</p><p> </p><p>“Francis?”</p><p> </p><p>My voice came out rough, like I hadn't used it in years.</p><p> </p><p>“What?”</p><p> </p><p>“Are we going to be ok?”</p><p> </p><p>It was a dumb question to ask, of course we weren’t, if our stories didn’t stick, we were done for. </p><p> </p><p>Strangely, he laughed.</p><p> </p><p>“What’s so funny?”</p><p> </p><p>“Nothing, you just reminded me of a toddler was all”</p><p> </p><p>I slugged him in the arm, he just kept laughing. Though I wasn’t entirely satisfied with his response, I trusted Henry and him. We’d be ok so long as we put our heads together and came up with something, anything, to keep us out of the limelight. We took separate cars, the twins decided to travel back with Henry and I took up with Francis, we all agreed to meet up at Henry’s apartment to clean up and discuss further what our intended plans were.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, and one more thing”</p><p> </p><p>Henry called out, holding the door to his car open with bloodied fingers.</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t let Bunny on to what we’ve done”</p>
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